i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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