Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
