If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
