My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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