Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
