Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize