Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize