The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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