my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
