There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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