When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
