Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
