Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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