I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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