Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
