I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
