Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
