I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
