just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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