He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
