i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
