dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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