He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize