I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
