He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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