Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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