My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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