Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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