I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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