I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
