Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
