Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
