You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
