I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
