I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize