we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
