I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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