I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
