Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
