I got chris browned last night
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
