i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
