Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
