Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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