Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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