So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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