my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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