Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
