god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
