did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
