Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
