tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
