I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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