I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize