bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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