why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize