she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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