Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My balls are so social today.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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