The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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