I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
