Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
