two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
